Halfway [3/14/08]

i just wanna feel your
touch.
simple caresses that lull
me into R.E.M.
KEM in the background.
oh the chemistry. boy you're
sweeter than sugar coated apple rings
you make my heart audtion for the
school chior.
with each word i get higher.
so unattainable but i know
you're right around the corner.
am i delusional for wanting to
be under you- hot.
you change my life from thousands
of miles away.
it's not rational for me to want this
i'm always fussing about distance
but yet, i'm stuck in between what my mind
tells me and what my heart wants.
how i allow myself to slip throught
the cracks, i'm still unsure.
all i know is UPS delivers the shivers
you send me.
so here i am... slowly counting
days and dollars.
21 days.
$234.78 plus tax.
i got half.

Tell Me [2/2/08]

i cant feel the stroke of
your fingers anymore.
they're covered in her prints.
i cant hear the soft lullabies you croon.
all i can hear are her moans.
you thrusted away drop after drop
of our love to her.
i cant dress without being overcome
with emotion.
why make promises you cant keep.
just tell me your heart doesnt beat faster when
i come around the corner.
say you dont care.
tell me you dont silently wish the heat you
felt on your skin radiated from mine.
tell me you're hers.
please pull the trigger on this loaded gun.
Tell me...
you dont love me.

Dangit.

I pissed of my boyfriend today.
We got into the stupidest argument
EVER.
[sigh]
now we're both just
like silent.
[sigh]
hopefully things will be better
tomorrow.
gnites.

It's Not An Explination

How do I explain how I feel when I’m not sure?
I know I want you but there's something about him, but he's no Mary.
Unless we're referring to Magdalene before she be reformed.
I felt like you quit me cold turkey; I'm still not sure I was addictive.
I heard you less the more we spoke.
If silence is golden baby we're rich.
Hold on, is it still okay for me to show affection towards you or should I refrain.
Step back and retain all thought.
Push back t he fabulous bewilderment and divulge in past endeavors?
Scrambled soft like powered eggs served on pink and gold china.
Drowning in a pool of Sweat comma Keith.
Yah that was twisted.
I don’t mean to be so helplessly hopeless but I warned you when I asked why
You were so...
I inch towards and edge I know the result and
Yet closer and closer I get all the while hoping for a new result.
Einstein would deem me insane.
It almost seems like I was a match lit and left to burn out.
But here you come with fluid.
Oh baby you're fire burning white.
My life is a sad movie's montage but you're the flashback to happiness.
The necessary plot twist to a normal ending.
I've never had this feeling be so uncomfortable; it's so new.
So how do I react?
I want to analyze and pick apart the reason you call me for sadistic purposes.
I can’t believe you want me for me.
I'm praying to find a flaw in you so I can continue to be emotionally challenged but
I still can’t find one.
You're forcing me to be open and it hurts.
To want you so much without ever knowing you.
I sleep in phantom arms knowing they belong to you, even though I've never
had the pleasure.
This feeling is much more complicated than my previous but maybe it's
because something here is real.
I inch towards tears but I'm miles away from sadness.
I remember my body screaming for yours when I couldn't hold on.
I've never known something so wonderful could hurt so much.
I can’t explain why I'm crying; why I'm writing.
I haven’t heard my name in weeks.
It's been replaced with a two syllable synonym for infant.
Baby.
When I hear it I get sick.
But if you took that sickness away I'd die.
I don’t want to live without that sickness.
That gut wrenching drop that follows your words.
I'd fight to have that.
We don’t need names.
So make it hurt.
Bring down tears that move mountains.
Make me sick.


It's starting.

Jude of Iscariot

it's not easy to watch you walk away.
i dont want to feel the agony goodbye brings.
I just want you nearer.
I knew this day would come...

I'm numb as his hands run over me.
Why can't they be yours?
I'm sick of this vicariousness creeping through my life.
My body can't understand my heart's not mine.
Like a battle between the gods they feud.

I apologize for the comfort i falsified.
I need you, but he keeps me sane.
Too long i've let this go on.
Too long your face has replaced the ones I've been with.
How can I love you and betray you?

I am no better than he I attacked.

How can I ask for mercy?
I deserve none.
My heart is in your hands.
I've said I love you and thought I meant it,
but how can I truly love you if it's not with my whole being?
Is not my physicality part of that?
I cannot go on like this.

As tears sprint down my face, I feverishly apologize.
In hopes of gaining your forgiveness, I humiliate myself.
God only knows how much I regret this.
Stone me if you wish but please,
Dont take away your love.

Contest Poem

i dont believe in evolution and yet
i find my self looking into the eyes of this
creature and seeing...a former self.
I shake my head in disbelief.
If God exists and I formed from his image
how can i feel as if i'm looking into
my past.
We play mirror as her fingertips
explore my tiny hand like a mother would
her firstborn.
If I was not she then why does this
feel so comfortable? Why let me in
as though i am the prodical daughter?
Was moses lying when he penned the
origins of man or was there data
omitted?
in the writtings it says to have dominion
over the creatures of the earth
but how can you control your
heritage?
this expeditions goal was not one
of self service but i've stumbled upon it.
I came to discover more about her
only to find myself.

RAWR!

Why is it that I always find
the WORST time to want someone?
So I totally like this guy, [lets call him R.]
Now R and I went to the same middle school
& stuff. Now in middle school [&& high school]
I had a super crush on R. Like...BIG.
Anyway. That [obviously] didnt work out.
But thanks to the miracle of technology
[cough cough facebook] I found him again &
we began aim'ing and texting.
When I came back to the valley for thanksgiving we
hung out & I was like "Whoa. I still have a crush on him."
Good thing is he was starting to like me too.
=]
Now that I'm here for Christmas break, we hang out
like everyday. Yes...everyday.
I've met his parents and all that good jazz.
Now, here's the downside.
I'm only home for [roughly] 4 months out of the year.
&& who wants a seasonal relationship?
Oh but it gets worse.
He might be moving to Florida.
RIGHT?
[sigh.]
Guess I'll just have to enjoy the sparks while I can.