Swallowed by the Sea

Know my heart.
I open up for you but you constantly look away.
Hear my voice.
My song falls on deaf ears; I scream.
My anger grows with your apathy.



I bite my tongue too hard.
The taste of blood distracts me for a moment and I swirl the velvety red liquid in my mouth.
A wave of soothing hate rushes over me.
My headphones scream jumbled words of discontent and rage.
I become lost in my Red Sea.



Swimming deeper as memories of evil men cut through me.
I cry out in pain only to take in more of this anguish.
I have no choice but to digest.



I'm slowly suffocating.
Drowning in sorrow.
I reach out my hand praying He will save me,
But he pushes me deeper into
Myself.
Back into this Ocean of Death.



Where is my light?
A whispered plea before I'm consumed by it.

Help me

Please.


I've been swallowed by the Sea.

For Janine Yvette

I close my eyes and instantly I smell you.
The smell of hospital soap, vicadin, and peppermint swirled with the smoke from your Capri's.
Your lips look as if to speak of mischief as you notice the pale blue shimmers that stain my stomach.
Your sweet laugh resonates through your cluttered room as I confess my constant indulges in the rich orange Azzura lotion.
The light shines through your window cut only by the blinds.
Inside jokes bounce off walls as we meander down the unlit hallway.
We fill bowls with bright crayon-colored fruits from exotic imaginary lands far away from us.
Slow reggae beats pulse through our skin.
We sing and sway to the soothing Caribbean music that isn't there.
Trouble and pain seem so distant...and we are untouched by its plague.
a spur of the moment adventure envelopes us with a knowing smile and identical eyes sparkle in the noon sun.
Silly wagers made on the people encompassing us create an elaborate world all our own.
We sip frothy caffeine from cute insulated cardboard cups and notice the grays in your hair shine in the golden-red sun.
Our voices fill the bus with song, risingand falling in melodious harmonies.
Book talk, your sweet hums while stroking my sea salted hair lull me to a peaceful slumber.
"You are my sunshine my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.
So PLEASE don't take my sunshine away."

ShrinkWrap(Darwin'sTherapy) [5/28/07]

late night converstations bring forth more feelings without answers.
incomprehensible styles clashing like atoms but still this ionic bond is produced.
you say it's more than just this but how can i be sure?
soon i'll jump out and fly away; i cant afford to have a string tied to my foot.
my body craves what my mind cant justify.
this is too close for comfort but i look to you for counsel.
this is therapy i cant handle. please doctor let me go.
i cant lay on your couch without wondering if things will go further
one word can be so hard to say...
i've tried to explian my disposition for years now.
you say you wont force it but you apply pressure to my heart.
i'm afraid to make the shift from potential to kenetic.
i let that ball go before and i know the results of my experimentations.
you prescribe one thing but a second opinon discounts that.
the data piles up and deems you "not credible"
but my instincts speak another story.
this Darwinism suggests i follow my head.
only the fittest survive.

Question&Answer [5/20/07]

what does it feel like to be the odd one out?
to be the only one who's cold in a warm room.
why hide tears with talent and
let others mistake your pain for art?
why put on masks and dim your light?
why wont you shine?
tear down the wall of china
you've built around your heart.
please.
for me.


i'm tired of shivering in july but
i cant trust you to not
abuse my vulnerablity.
art makes the pain less personal.
the costume i wear is my armor
fitted to my heart so it wont be broken.
the shade protects me from myself;
i'm afraid to shine.
if i let Berlin fall, i might as well
marry Troy.
so no.
I cant..

Halfway [3/14/08]

i just wanna feel your
touch.
simple caresses that lull
me into R.E.M.
KEM in the background.
oh the chemistry. boy you're
sweeter than sugar coated apple rings
you make my heart audtion for the
school chior.
with each word i get higher.
so unattainable but i know
you're right around the corner.
am i delusional for wanting to
be under you- hot.
you change my life from thousands
of miles away.
it's not rational for me to want this
i'm always fussing about distance
but yet, i'm stuck in between what my mind
tells me and what my heart wants.
how i allow myself to slip throught
the cracks, i'm still unsure.
all i know is UPS delivers the shivers
you send me.
so here i am... slowly counting
days and dollars.
21 days.
$234.78 plus tax.
i got half.

Tell Me [2/2/08]

i cant feel the stroke of
your fingers anymore.
they're covered in her prints.
i cant hear the soft lullabies you croon.
all i can hear are her moans.
you thrusted away drop after drop
of our love to her.
i cant dress without being overcome
with emotion.
why make promises you cant keep.
just tell me your heart doesnt beat faster when
i come around the corner.
say you dont care.
tell me you dont silently wish the heat you
felt on your skin radiated from mine.
tell me you're hers.
please pull the trigger on this loaded gun.
Tell me...
you dont love me.

Dangit.

I pissed of my boyfriend today.
We got into the stupidest argument
EVER.
[sigh]
now we're both just
like silent.
[sigh]
hopefully things will be better
tomorrow.
gnites.